Top Champs..

I have no words for this one.. Absolute description by the YEP people that gives you a really in-depth analysis.. (of the problem)

Illustration by Daniel David Freeman

Hair: A £50 Toni & Guy number one all over, done with a pair of scissors.

Hat: A baggy woolly hat which resembles a baby’s nappy that is sagging with steaming shit, hence my preferred name for it: the “poo hat”.

Tattoos: Non-specifically spiritual, meaningless phrases such as “Living my destiny” in Shakespearean black script on the forearm or chest.

Jacket: Like 14-year-old girls on a night out in Newcastle, they rarely wear jackets because they think it “messes up their look”. They usually compromise with a thick-knit cardigan with pointlessly MASSIVE buttons.

Top: A low-cut V-neck T-shirt to show off their freshly waxed chest, which pokes out like an erect penis. The chest is usually covered in zits and little white mounds of puss formed around ingrown hairs.

Trousers: Baggy distressed designer jeans that they picked up in the fake vintage section in Diesel, held up by a studded belt with a “cool, edgy” phrase such as “PUNK ROCK” on the buckle.

Favourite phrases: “Receipt in the bag?”

Footwear: Flip-flops, plimsolls or – if they are particularly daring/have ambitions of appearing on The X Factor – stupid designer re-imagining of army boots from the 1940s which are left gaping at the top to accommodate a hefty wad of denim.

Accessories: An iPhone (which they don’t use because they can’t find the keypad) and a peroxide-blonde girlfriend who is moody as fuck, with a constant scowl on her face – the living embodiment of the phrase “Who put sand upyour vagina?”

Girlfriend: See above.

Plaid shirt? Yes, until Nuts says they are uncool.

Fixed-gear bike? No way. They use their mum’s Peugeot 206.

If this offends you then you gotta check it out.

For more Top Champs like this guy click on.. Yepwecan.co.uk